Left

We are women you leave behind

We are left at windows, staring out for ages

We are left at doorsteps, counting remaining pages

We are left crossing out dates on the calendar

We are left mumbling names, out of character

We are left flipping pages in the dead of the night.

We are left singing broken bits of songs, till morning light

We are left building a fortress around ourselves

We are left wavering between screams and yells

We are left piecing together fragments of time

We are left contemplating punishment without crime

We are left in dignity and respect

We are left in agony, to build air castles erect

We are left where life and love become one and the same

We are left freezing frames

We are left to wait

And we are never left.

 

 

 

 

Dead Dreams

Crushed dreams make sad bodies

Their vacant eyes sing haunting maladies

Floating dead in stagnant, forgotten waters

Whispering, “They shot us”.

 

Each time wind blows, a sudden redeemer

It stirs the bodies, the reek floats

And reaches the dreamer

In slow tears, delivering the blow

 

Such is the nature

Of crushed dreams

They’ll find their dreamer, by all means

Till they drag him to the earth, fire and the sea

And then shall they finally, cease to be.

Child,lost.

Plumpness tends to excite you, say?

Careless as the wind, as I hop down the steps

You can feel a stirring in your groin, I excite you

But what can you do? Its cursing ly midday

But what is it about me

That you cannot seem to look away

I am troubling you a lot, nay?

So you give up the struggle and come to teach me a lesson

My mother’s standing there, my father’s right beside me

Come to me, we will see.

One hand of yours encircles me tightly

You coo something and my mother smiles and leaves

You kiss me on the cheek and my father, in you believes

I stare in your eyes, I try to trust you

A second and a scream and you taught me not to.

You also should have taught me to forget you.

Letter? What letter?

I left a letter to be read, behind me. I left, in a hurry. Nothing was planned, I didn’t even pack. I spared four people who loved me the torment of the moment. I sent them out, locked myself in and got revved up for the final call. This was it.

I looked down into the shallow depths of the coconut water in my hands. I see my eyes looking back at me, how very sad, they inspire me ultimately. I down it all in one gulp. I don’t know what happened next. I must have left. I can hear whispers and shouts.

Like I said, I left a letter to be read. The four people who loved me, barely came up to my waist when I left them. I see them all huddled in a corner, clueless. I am pained but strangely relieved.

He came in, the man of my dreams, dashingly careworn, eyes heavy, the drunk, the gall of him. He looks at me, lying sprawled and covered head to toe on the floor and I seethe in rage. Someone get him away from me. I don’t know how, he just moved away by himself. The drunk. The gall of him.

Next, came in a throng of people I knew lead by a woman for whom, I wrote the letter. Hawk eyed little wretch, she spied the letter. Little wretch motioned with a flick of her wrist at someone and my precious precious letter was now in hands I didn’t recognize. Who are you? The letter isn’t for you. Do not open. Do not read, Why are you opening,.. why.. Just, give it to the lady after you are done reading? Please?

I wait, the lady, the intended recipient too finally reads the letter. A dread passes her fair face. One look at the other woman and the letter disappears in folds of their wretched silks.

I follow the other woman out of the house. At the back, where the latrines are, she opens the letter, sits down, tears at it like a dog and eats it, bit by bit.  It must have tasted of cheap paper and ink.

I doubt if it tasted of blood, of semen, of broken teeth, of leather belts, of cheap liquor, of diesel, of other woman’s sweat and of him. Whatever I left behind, dogs tore at. Senseless suicide.

A mere wave’s life.

To break free

of the ocean’s embrace, a mere wave, I see

A fierce beast, from a distance

It grazes the shore and what pulls it back?

Maybe, remembrance.

It tries till it tires

Relentlessy, over lifetimes

yet, the ocean pulls it back

Mercilessly over lifetmes

And I think of you

A mere wave in an ocean

And I’ve crooned the sweetest songs to lure you out

I’ve sung prayers day and night to make you mine

It must have hurt.

Still it fills me with life

To see you come rushing to me

Each time, towards the shore, I see.

Not in chaos

madness overtakes not in chaos

but in moments of quietude and nothingness

when I can hear the entire world swaying to one lullaby

then, shall madness overtake me

it does every night

when the heart is sinking

and the ceiling is blurred

when there is only the muffled sound of my own cries

singing me to sleep

then shall madness overtake me

not in chaos

not in calamity

but when in doubt.

Braid

Braiding a silken streak of afternoon

With the blue ribbons of twilight

The sky smiled down on us

Like my mother would, exactly like she would

If I was ten and she still braided her hair.

Clouds came in clumps and clusters

Drifting lazily across the grey expanse

Wisps of grey, silver and black

Like my mother’s braid, exactly like my mother’s braid

If I still looked if she braided her hair.

And it rained for hours

While I sat still, coffee untouched.